happy first month at post too meeee!!!

I survived my first month at post!! the first 3 months are the hardest,im told,but so far its been (mostly) positive experiences. Even more daunting, i survived as themost isolated volunteer in country!!! i essentially have all of central west and southwest madagascar to myself(and this is a big country) Its exhilarating; it doesnt really scare me and i thnk its cool. it probablywont be that way for long; the newbies arrived a few days ago, another stage will come in july,and at least a few of them will be placed near me. after 3 months around the sqame people constantly, im enjoying my isolation(from other americans, not people though. i have significantly less personal space here than i did at my host familys). Though it would be kind of nice if someone sharedmy banking town so we could go halfsies on food at hotel rooms. going to my banking town, where i am now,stresses me out because not only is it a pain in the ass to get to (45 km on a shit road, or rather a stretch of potholes with a few pathways between them, so it takes 2 hours to get to, crammed in a bush taxi, tack on some time for picking up/ dropping off people and general dicking around that takes place on bush taxis) waiting at the bank is INCREDIBLY stressful; i once waited 2 hours for the line to move about 5 people; 3 men behind the counter, only one of them actually doing anything and helping people. and morondava can be expensive; there are cheap hotels and food, but even on my budget it can be a lot.Money situation stressed me out this past month and im working on trying to figure out how to spend things. hopefully it will get better though; i did drop a lot on furniture this past month, not covered by my living allowance. When i moved in all i had was a bed frame (though a double so yay!!), a table, a desk with one broken leg and missing drawers, and one of the uncomfortable bench/desk combos from the school. I had the desk fixed, got a chair, another table, and a dresser so i could use the peace corps issue trunk to store my food, as bugs have been another problem ive had lately. I REALLY still could use some things, like a big pot to make an "oven" and new clothes, since mine are becoming warn, i dont have a lot of teachery professional clothes, thinking id be in niger, and e"verything covers my shoulders and knees, again, thinking id be in niger, but all anyone every wears here is tank tops and shorts, or nothing, haha. im jealous of my neighbors, who only put on tops when they go to the market. its too hot for clothes here

it feels hotter than niger out here with the humidity; I LOVE IT!!!! finally after freezing my ass off in the plateau for almost 2 months. i will take sweating through my clothes all thetime over being cold any day!!it only sucks when i am sick; i was visited by 2 bouts of mystery illness this past month. Being sick and sweltering in my house, drenched in sweat more so than usual and in my sicky germ sheets is absolutely miserable and makes me wonder, What the hell am i doing here? and the noise and lack of personal space bothers me most at these times as well. I live in a duplex, which i think was intended to be 1 house, have one largeish room that is my house and a family of 5 lives in the other 2 rooms, with just a couple feet of porch space between us. we share a yard, porch, and a water spigot. Theyre really cool but kind of loud; constantly playing their radio and tv, sometimes at the same time, singing along, yelling at each other when theres no emergency,chopping firewood at 5 am and 10 pm, the radio still sometimes on well after midnight. i go to bed by 9 usually and am up by 6, no later than 7, even though i only have 1 class a week that early. its IMPOSSIBLE to sleep any later than that. They have a kid whos really cute but cries often, as do other babies in houses surroundinbg my house, a sound that makes my blood boil, my skin crawl, andmy head throb. There is apparently a gasy proverb "other peoples children cause your nostrils to flare" haha, if only i knew the translation(need to ask one of the lcfs at IST...)

various village dogs bark up a storm at several points throughout the night as well and its SUPER hot in my house when i have the windows and doors closed, which i do at night obvi. combine all this together, and its not easy to sleep and i havent kept my american habit of napping in the middle of the day because its too hot and too loud. its gettign slightly cooler at night now, since we are going into fall (seasons reversed in southern hemisphere) so its much more tolerable. i pray for rain here, provided it doesnt come with a cyclone (that happened my 5th day here and ranks in my top 5 worst days ever; i cant remember ever being so frustrated either) and its not coming through my roof over my bed (also happened but is now fixed) rain cools things off significantly, temporarily clears out the humidity and i get free water sticking my buckets outside, and its a lot cleaner than what comes out of the spigot; its also cold and my spigot water is usually lukewarm, so it feels amazing to take a cold bucket bath at the end of the day and wash the day and its sweat, dirty, chalk dust, and market smells off me

i found out via text from cedric that there was a coup in Niger on feb 19. i was in a meeting with another english teacher when i found out, and told him that i had just been there, that i was supposed to be there for 2 years but had to leave for other reasons. "oh yes, that was on the news at 1 oclock" he said, nonchalantly. I guess im not that floored, given the situation, but it was strange because it hit so close to home. i was JUST there, thought it would be my home for 2 years and developed an attachment to it. The coup wouldve happened regardless of the other stuff going on that forced me to leave. Im not sure whether or not theyll close to peace corps in niger, if its worth it for them to stay open with all the other stuff thats going on. its sad because its such a great peace corps country, but selfishly, Niger closing to PC may be the closure that i so desperately need; to make feelings that still arise finally go away. I still play the "what if?" game and wonder if things that frustrate me here would be different in Niger, or if id be a more effective volunteer there, seeing as 90 percent of my students are nowhere near they level they should be.... i sometimes wonder how much of an impact im really going to have. Dont get me wrong; i love my site, am having a great time, am happy but still, the"what ifs" pop into my mind occasionally

one things i KNOW would be different in niger is the men situation. i miss niger, where men wouldnt even look me in the eye; totally different story here, and im already getting fed up with it. Sketchy men have showed up to my house asking me to teach them english,others have invited themselves inwhen im half dressed, and one even showed up while i was sick and loooked awful; i told him "marary aho" (im sick in malagasy) and he still came in, sat down and talked to me. the whole "leave the sick person alone and give them space and time to rest" concept doesbnt really exist here, also as indicated by the family i share the duplex with, who are still loud even when they know im sick.

what else....the guy i bought my matress from was staring at my chest for a lot longer than im generally comfortable with and guys have stopped their cars and motorcycles in the middle of the road to talk to me. a few days ago, iwent to the market with my friend and a guy was hanging out where i buy my vegetables. he was asking my friend questions about me and generally hitting on me via her. "whos she?" "does she have a boyfriend?" "how old is she" Christ. " i speak malagasy and i know what youre saying and you can talk to me" i snapped at him. ugh, seriouly? i then gave him the stink eye while i waited for the seller to give me my change, prompting giggles from onlookers.

Later that same day, i was walking home after another market trip, and from a distance, coming in my direction, i spotted another sketchball. even from a distance, i could tell he had a leering look on his face. sure enough when we passed each other, he stuck out his hand and tried to touch my arm (which has happened before in other cases) I immediately pulled away, spun around and gave him the malagasy equivalent of the middle finger. His friend he was with burst out laughing. Ta da!Im integrating but still havent lost my old self, which we are encouraged to do: find a balance between adapting and retaining your own identity; perfect example. JFK is smiling in his grave, im sure

so my first month was characterized by constant and drastic ups and downs; an emotional roller coaster if you will. i dont think thats ever going to change but maybe ill get more used to things and somethings wont bother me as much anymore. Itry to stay focused on the positi_ve things and when bad stuff happens just remind myself how quickly my emotions change,its just a moment and it will pass. and always rememer that anything im doing, even the most mundane things, are way cooler than anything anyone i know is doing in the states. no offense yall

even the smallest things bring me enormous amounts of happiness and confidence. like my students understanding something im teaching, taking walks and bikerides and taking in the scenery, enjoying a cold coke once in a while, pulling off pretty decent meals,talking to people and having them tell me im efa mahay at malagasy. my language has drastically improved in the past few weeks alone. When ive gone to the market, random people in nearby houses have called out "mandroso!" (come in) to me, justto talk, so ive gotten to practice a lot more and have made friends. yay!i converse with my neighbors a lot too; they are cool and have been really helpful, but kind of loud

Theres much more i want to talk about but the internet is eating up mytime and money (which i dont have a lot of) and considering theres a beach 5 meters from me and 3 hours of time to kill before stores open agan, well, i have better things to do than sit in an internet cafe. well see what next month brings! i cant believe how fast time has flown; a year ago i was giving myself the beginnings of an ulcer over my SIP, 2 years ago i was on vacation in the gambia, getting ready leave senegal, knowing id be back in africa soon enough. i still remember those moments clearly.IST will be here before i know it! im looking forward to catching up with my friends, taking actual showers,visiting my host family, and eating good food that i dont hafve to spnd time preparing; not looking forward to thje cold though,it will be worse than it was before because it will be fall

ok, amanaraka, as we say here